


numb at 12:43pm

by Y_mx



Category: Jealousy - Monsta X (Music Video), Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Cutting, Eating Disorders, M/M, Purging, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 21:11:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19449607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Y_mx/pseuds/Y_mx
Summary: kihyun has struggled since he was young with dieting and when he debuts it transforms in something bigger than he has ever imagined. with the help of an eating disorder he get addicted to the freezing-like feeling that starts at the tip of his fingers and eventually travels all the way through his body.





	numb at 12:43pm

it was the middle of the night in seoul,south korea and the guys seemed to have just gotten back from their dance practice, and as usual, they were overworking themselves wanting to always surprise monbebes each comeback. hoseok hyunwoo and hyungwon were working extra hard on the new choreography, jooheon and changkyun were almost always locked up in their studios producing and composing songs for the new album and even minhyuk seemed to get himself busy seeing as lately, the other 93 liner, has really gotten into fashion and would often help their stylists for the stage outfits, so as soon as they stepped into their rooms most of them passed out, except kihyun. before every album release he always promised himself that he will return thinner than he was before. of course that most fans didn't agree with his views but what could they do? behind closed doors they had no control over what kihyun was doing or at least so they thought .they didn't know that the main vocalist checked his social media every night before going to bed, they didn't know that he always read every single comment under their tweets, they didn't know that even if he had way more positive comments about his figure that only the negative ones stuck with him and honestly? kihyun didn't want them to know.just think of the news articles that would pop up with flashy titles like"monsta x kihyun has an eating disorder and sets a bad image to younger fans"or"pathetic idol cries over 500 calories in one meal"and the boy couldn't help but chuckle bitterly as the second one appeared in his mind. pure chaos. and he didn't want that, he was a pretty organized person hence why he got his own diary where its written how many calories he ate, how many he burned and his weight loss overall. on a second thought he'd be doomed if any of his members, or heck even his manager, found out about it.

all of a sudden his storm of random thoughts was interrupted by minhyuk, who was passing by the shared living room on his way to the kitchen. getting confused at the boy being awake, his head popped into the room.

"ki aren't you going to sleep?" he asked groggily.

"yeah i will come to bed in a few minutes, i was going to get a snack" the older lied nonchalantly. kihyun knew damn well that he would rather jump off a cliff than eat, or even binge, at that ungodly hour.and oh how much easier it would be if he was a rapper, he could purge as much as he wanted to but now that would be a suicide mission. back when he used to purge, he sometimes overdid it so much that his throat hurt for a few good hours and even when the pain would go away, his voice would still be raspy and quiet.

too tired to comment further, minhyuk nodded lazily and returned to his and kihyuns room. he tried to suppress his laughter for the older not to catch on about his lie but mostly at his own thoughts. his mind always told him how much better he would be treated by the other six if he was skinnier like hyungwon or if he put a bit of muscle on him like jooheon. always being the butt of the joke in all variety shows didn't help his self confidence either. it was already 1am and he had to be up at 7am for their comeback stage but he had planned for himself a cardio workout session he sure as hell wasn't going to skip. even if he could feel the exhaustion in every bone ,he had to burn those calories. had to make his fans, and members at the same time proud, right? so that's how he started his almost nightly routine. even if their gym spun violently in his head and his vision sometimes got cut off for a few seconds, he was proud of himself for getting this far. with the dance practice and his extra cardio he would burn in a day what a normal person would eat in three. with his workout coming to an end, he looked at the clock. 4:30am-hes fucked. deciding that it has already gotten way too late for him to be awake, kihyun made his way to his own bed with slow steps and as soon as he hit the pillow he was fast asleep

the next day the boy was sure that he would have rather died than wake up but he had no choice, already hearing the noise outside his room and in a few short lived peaceful seconds, hoseok entered and gently shook the younger. kihyun couldn't be more glad, his limbs feeling like it they been set on fire from last night. for a man as huge as him, his movements sure were gentle enough not to hurt anyone.

"kihyun please wake up." said hoseok in a soft voice

feeling dreadful, the main vocalist just turned to the other side and pretended not to hear the older.

"its already well past 7 ki. we cant be late" and with that hoseok got out of the duos room, heading to his own.

hearing that sentence made the boy jump out of his bed in less than a few seconds but he was stopped by the throbbing pain in his whole body and a loud moan, that almost sounded like a scream, escaped his mouth.moreover his vision was playing tricks on him again and he could barely keep himself up. after a few seconds which seemed like quite a few minutes, kihyun finally managed to stay on his own feet but he couldn't stop shaking. after days of fasting and overworking himself the results were finally starting to show and that's exactly what he wanted. with hesitant steps, he walked slowly towards the kitchen mentally preparing himself for the loud environment which even usually would drain the energy out of him, but in this state he wasn't so sure that he wouldn't pass out on the spot. kihyun didn't know how he was supposed to live through the entire day when only a few steps tired him out and they were supposed to have a comeback stage later on.

"morning" muttered the vocalist as he sat down at the table.

"oh morning ki" said hyunwoo in a cheerful voice.

'i made breakfast this time and i didn't even burn anything!" added jooheon, a hint of pride present in his voice.

and that's when kihyun realized that day had been the first since debut where he didn't cook the boys meals. did he sleep that much? are they mad at him? 1000 questions per second ran through his head but he snapped out of it when hyungwon put a plate with a generous amount of food on it, or at least that's how the older saw it. he hadn't eaten a proper meal in well over a month of course he saw it like that.

"eat up!" the tallest said with a warm smile.

"ah i'm not that hungry. i ate last night when we got back" reassured the troubled boy with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

but what he didn't know was that behind his jolly atmosphere the members were so fucking worried for the kihyun .they could see his cheekbones sticking our more as each day passed, his jawline becoming more prominent and his eyes becoming more lifeless. he didn't know how when hyungwon hugged him the day before, he could feel all of the sharp edges kihyun made out of himself, and started tearing up realizing how close they must be to losing him or how changkyun fell asleep with dried tears on his cheeks after the boy offered him his shoulder to sleep on in the van and his arm felt like a spear that could impale him any second or when minhyuk checked on him with a blurry vision in the corner of the room at midnight while he was overworking himself, the older making sure he wouldn't pass out or even worse.

finishing up breakfast the boys did their usual morning routine and headed to their van going off to mbs. what they didn't expect was the huge crowd of fans waiting outside, screaming their names. yes it was normal for their fan base to grow from comeback to comeback, starship being the most benefited, and they were excited for the new opportunities-kihyun would be too if his head wasn't pounding every second of the day.entering, they bowed to everyone and the stylists started doing presenting their special tailored outfits for the day, that's how their preparation started. after 2 hours being flipped on every side and touched almost everywhere, they got up from the chairs looking more dashing then ever .at least the uncomfortable touching was almost always worth it. since their title track was named "jealousy"it called for a sexier concept. that meant more skin exposed and kihyun was terrified but he didn't want to show it. it would destroy his overly confident image and he didn't want that .but the boys saw how backstage he seemed to check his body in everything that showed his reflection and how he kept obsessively touching his bones that stuck out the most ,deciding that they really should talk to the boy much sooner than they decided to.

finally, they were called on stage and all of them were anxious to say the least. a good type of anxious though. after all they were chasing their dream,that's why they were all here. with a last countdown,the song started and the rush of adrenaline affected all of them. this wasn't even one of their most difficult choreographies, minhyuk even declared that it was the lowest difficulty they had in a long time but that didn't surprise kihyun-his roommate was so tall and was the thinnest out of the group, the perfect body for dancer, and the younger couldn't be more jealous. maybe their title was appropriate for him but oddly enough, it wasn't romantic jealousy.no, it symbolized for him a selfish type of jealousy, that has been eating him up for too much time now. if he lost 1kg his next goal would be 2kg and if he managed to keep that weight he would often get greedy and strive for even more drastic changes in his appearance. these thoughts motivated him to finish the stage but only at the end he noticed that he didn't have that much sweat on his face, it was all tears. what the fuck. the boy didn't even notice he started crying until the very end but everyone that was closer to him did, so they had to film the whole stage again.  
and again

and again 

and again

11\. it took them 11 tries to film it properly and kihyun couldn't be more embarrassed. everyone was tired because of him. his members couldn't breath properly due to exhaustion because of his stupid emotions. he would have cried right then and there but kihyun wasn't sure he had anymore tears. the worst of all wasn't that the starship staff or some random camera guy saw him breaking down. no,the worst was their live audience witnessed it all. the tears, the shaking and the ragged breaths kihyun was barely surviving on and at that moment the main vocalist couldn't handle it anymore. his eyes rolled to the back of his head and with trembling legs he whispered a soft 'im sorry"and collapsed.

when he woke up, the strong light hit his face. groaning, he tried to cover his face with his hand. thats when he noticed the wires around him that restrained his movements and how surprisingly hot he was. he got fucking tubed. jesus, how many calories have they already pumped into him? his heart started beating fast, almost like it was shaking in his rib cage, and that was also noticed by his pulse monitor which started going crazy. he was so overwhelmed by the situation that he could do nothing but stare at the white ceiling, questioning himself how he got to this point. in a weird way it felt validating, maybe comforting in a way that he couldnt explain. it was like he didnt fail his eating disorder as bad as he thought he had but he will have felt more at peace if he didnt wake up. no one would have cared anyways. he was only the voice that sang the chorus to their songs-he could have been easily replaced by hoseok from any point of view, or hell literally anyone.

and of course kihyun thought like that because he wasnt present at that time. wasnt present when his tears on his face were replaced by his members' that hurriedly made their way to kihyun when he fell all of a sudden. wasnt able to feel when minhyuk kept shaking him and screaming at him to wake up, blaming himself for not speaking up. wasnt able to see the surprised looks that he received from the unknowing staff. wasnt able to hear the loud gasps the room was wrapped in from their worried fans.

wasnt able to feel them caring.

soon enough a doctor entered the room followed by a nurse with a friendly smile that threw him off but he didnt know why nor did he care. after questioning his state for a few minutes, the medic explained that he fainted due to exhaustion and malnutrition, suggesting him a diet plan as a starter for his recovery. he was also informed that his friends were waiting for him outside the room and kihyun was startled to say the least. he didnt expect to see any of his members this soon, especially all six of them. after the medical staff left, the door didnt close. instead, the boys came in looking more disheveled than ever. all of them had red eyes and their condition was plain terrible, one being more shaken up than the other. the first one to open his was hyungwon, who asked a pretty daring question

"why"

as simple as that may sound, kihyun already felt a knot in his throat but with a small sigh he managed to answer with a voice barely above a whisper

"because im tired of being the fattest in the group. because im tired of looking the ugliest out of us all. im tired only noticing the hate thrown at me. im tired of hearing only insults coming from both you and fans. tired of no one caring about me. tired of being the worst at everything. tired of the way i see myself and tired of the way i live...i have gotten tired of life" finished the boy with a small voice.

hearing all of this felt like a punch in the gut to everyone. all of them tried to hold their tears back for kihyuns sake, trying to be strong for him but it was so difficult. especially for hoseok, who couldnt control his deep worry and almost bursted out crying with a whimper when he heard the last sentence that belonged to the straightforward confession.

the next one that spoke up was jooheon

"since when"

"i have been dieting since i was a teenager but this developed over time, starting to become more and more serious when we debuted"

and oh can kihyun remember the start so vividly. his first notebook for tracking calories, his first skipped meals, his youtube history filled with fitness exercises and his first time crying as the result of what he saw in the mirror.

"but since when the fuck do you care about my condition? there are no cameras here so why are you pretending to like me, huh? for you own sick enjoy-"

kihyun wasn't able to finish as minhyuk interrupted him with a raspy, but loud, voice-since his friend had been rushed to the hospital he hadn't spoken at all

"don't you fucking dare finish that sentence yoo kihyun. we aren't acting either, you dummy. do you know how hard it is to see your best friend cut little bits and pieces from himself almost everyday, how soul crushing it is to see you fading into nothing? and you think we don't care at all? then explain to me why hoseok filled the dorms with low calorie food in hope you would finally eat something? why does changkyun "break the gym equipment by accident"every time you say you will work out? or why the fuck do i always stay up late and ask you to sleep, praying that you wont have a heart attack while running on the treadmill?"

the boy was left speechless. it all carried out under his nose. for a few moments the room was dead silent and you could only hear the beeping noises from besides kihyun's bed. the last question was filled with an imaginable tension,carried out by hyunwoo

"not necessarily now, but in the near future...are you willing to recover?"

his breath hitched. his ears started ringing and tears started rolling. did they think it was so easy? years worth of self hatred couldn't just disappear so suddenly. but something was different now. he had been proven that someone cares. they all do really and even if in his mind there still was loud screaming trying to convince him that he shouldn't do it, that he is worthless and his "friends" are lying just to get something out of him, he could barely hear a faint whisper saying"its going to be okay. you deserve recovery"

with eyes filled with sadness and a hint of hope they were waiting for an answer. before kihyun had the chance to confirm or deny his future state of health the doctor entered with quite a few papers in his hands

"if everything goes well, you will be released in a short time and we have to have the paperwork ready. i will give you a diet plan to follow at home because we cant force you into recovery by law. please try to sleep after your friends leave and rest well!" he said and excused himself, asking the boys to follow him outside the room while kihyun filled out the documents with his personal information.

as soon as they were out of kihyuns sight, the doctor turned to the six boys with a worried face

"you were extremely close to losing him."hearing that caused all of them to audibly gasp and even a stranger could see the look in their eyes change, but the medic continued

'even if for the next few weeks we will keep him under close observation here, he will eventually have to return home. thats where you will be able to help him the most. make sure he eats at least 1500 caloris per day but dont force him and under any circumstance dont talk about numbers, diets and/or weight."

"thank you so much for the help and we will certainly try our best.' said hyunwoo trying to sound as positive as possible

"do you think he will be able to recover?"suddenly asked changkyun

"i cant say anything for certain but im sure he has the will in him to"said the doctor with a forced smile but no one noticed. those words meant more than the entire word to them

after the conversation they went into kihyun's room and tried to boost up his mood and it seemed to work until the boy's face seemed to fall more and more

"whats wrong, ki?are you okay?"asked hyungwon, he was always the fastest to catch on everyones mood changes

"what happened with the fans?oh my god they must be so worried. joo can you hand me the phone, i need to post something on fan cafe at least or otherwise they will think im dead"

"ah don't worry about that! the staff already explained the situation and they made sure that nothing will get out of that room" explained hoseok

with a sigh of relief kihyun managed to calm down and they kept talking and joking around until visiting hours were up and the boys were forced to leave. during the next weeks at least one of them visited him daily and this change in their behavior made kihyun happier and happier as each day passed, but even so the doubt ate him alive more than it ever has. for what were they doing all of this? for who? for him? his mind didn't want to believe that so he just resumed to pretending it was real. he also started having terrible nightmares, every night he would wake up because of them at 12:43 sharp. not later, not earlier. the weirdest part was that he never seemed to remeber what it was, the only thing he knew was that it ended with a scream that was familiar. too familiar. but he didn't pay it much attention, blaming it on the medication and the creepy hospital room he was forced to live in.

when it was time for him to get discharged the boys couldnt be happier and maybe kihyun was happy too-only because he hated how warm he was in that hospital, calories being in his system 24/7. while he was there he gained("a bit"the nurse said, it was almost like the end of the world for him).

when they arrived at starship, the staff and even the ceo, were waiting in front of the building with a big "welcome back"banner,and apparently they were informed that the company ordered takeout for them and its waiting in their dorm. for fucks sake did they even know what he was hospitalized for?"its okay, its okay, its okay' kihyun kept repeating to himself. at least his friends cared and that mattered.he also didn't want to burden everyone on his first day back.

so he didn't. he didn't bother anyone. ate what was given to him and the boys seemed to be grateful for him at least trying, because kihyun looked like he was okay with it, right? no of course he wasn't fucking alright. they didn't notice the huge amount of water he has been drinking during the meal. after they ate, it already got pretty late so he excused himself from the living room, and headed to the bathroom. he turned on the shower and put on some music-the atmosphere was too weird. it wasn't like he hadn't done this before but it still felt foreign. the connect promotions have already ended and the company already announced they will go on a short hiatus. his voice wasn't important, so what's there to lose? oh yeah weight but he could manage that. and that's how kihyun started purging everything he ate that day. he forgot how much it hurts and how draining it is but he didn't give up until he stopped throwing up food anymore. at least that would help him get colder faster.

it was the best feeling in kihyun's point of view. it meant that he didn't binge or eat enough lately-that he was actually disordered. maybe that's all he wanted, to be validated, maybe all of this could have been remediated if people were just a tiny bit nicer to him, maybe this all could have been avoided if he went to a therapist from the first day his bad thoughts started appearing, but no. he is now stuck on the bathroom tiles with sweat running down his forehead. staring into space an idea popped up in his mind that would surely make him not only cold, but freezing. for that he had to face whoever happened to be in the halls at that time and minhyuk who was probably asleep, thinking that his friend is safe

and with goal in mind, kihyun got up from the floor and headed to his room with confident steps, something that he hasn't felt in quite some time-he knew that the cold would come soon. but all of his confidence disappeared when he saw that his roommate was wide-awake and waiting on his bed.

"im happy that you are trying to get better." minhyuk said with a bright smile that warmed up kihyun a bit. he didnt want that

"just know im only trying for you. i dont care about myself anymore" kihyun spoke trying to sound as normal as possible. cold again

the boy couldnt wait. it was so close. maybe i was so out of control it could be classified as an addiction.

"well you should do it for yourself ki. if we werent here, you wouldnt do it?"

"of course not. now move the fuck out of my bed and go to yours"

he was getting angry. hes getting hot all over

with sad eyes minhyuk got off and went to his own bed thinking about what he said to set the other boy off

"goodnight. i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable. just know that i love you"

that hit kihyun worse than he thought. those words. even if he hated the warmth he allowed it for a few seconds and ran to minhyuk hugging him. they both stayed like that as if they knew it was going to be their last hug.

"sorry min. i love you too" were kihyun's last spoken words

he waited until he heard the boy's breath even out. it was time. he felt almost euphoric. grabbing his blade, the one that he hides in his nightstand, he went towards the bathroom. the last time he will see those halls full of memories since they were trainees. he couldn't wait to forget them. they made his skin bubble with heat

when he got in, he didn't lock the door-he just simply saw no purpose, he will probably already be cold enough by the time someone finds him. slowly, with shaking hands, he started drawing on his whole body whatever he could think of, the only sad thing was that he could only paint in blood red. otherwise he was more than ecstatic,he wasnt cold. his body started going numb. his most cherished feeling was back and it overwhelmed his whole body. he remembered his friends. he couldn't feel hot but lukewarm. he started cutting deeper. he couldn't feel anything anymore and he found out his new favorite state. greed overtook him and he wanted more and more and more. kihyun looked in front of him,at the mirror hung up on the wall. you couldn't see his skin anymore. he was covered in his own bright red blood from head to toe. somehow, he managed to lift the corners of his mouth a bit. his vision started to darken way too fast. he fell and propped up next to the shower with a smile on his face-a genuine smile. his last smile.

minhyuk knew something was suspicious since the boy returned to their room, too late and he knew the the younger was up to no good. he didn't fall asleep yet and kihyun got up and he hasn't never seen him walk with such joyful steps. he waited a few minutes, maybe he just wanted to use the bathroom and would return in a bit so minhyuk waited. when he didn't get back the alarm in his head started ringing. something in him didnt feel right and he jumped out of his bed running to see if his best friend was okay. he wasnt. when he entered the bathroom it looked like a murder scene took place there

the last thing kihyun heard was minhyuk's defening scream, but he already reached eternal numbness.  
kihyun was declared dead at 12:43pm.


End file.
